Cannonball

I have a t-shirt emblazoned with "Listen to your heart" on the front and "Follow your passion. JUMP. JUMP." on the back. As I head to Kansas City in preparation for moving to Seattle, the phrase seems apt, especially the all-caps JUMP.

It feels like standing on the high dive and peeking over the edge at the blue water far below. The first time I attempted the high dive at Oakland Pool as a child, I was so overwhelmed that I carefully climbed back down the excruatingly tall ladder. Afterwards my mother gave me a talking-to: aborting my dive not only wasted other people's time but also my own. I could only attempt again if I was certain I could challenge my fear with courage. Standing at the edge for the second time, I gave myself a mental pep talk, pinched my nose, squeezed my eyes shut and launched myself into the air. I surfaced smiling.

I'm not worried that I won't enjoy Seattle. My season-long internship at Seattle Repertory Theatre promises to be wonderful and I have great roommatess, a house in a charming neighborhood, and an abundance of enthusiasm to bolster me. Moreover, I am confident in my ability to work at a professional level. What makes me apprehensive is taking the plunge into adulthood.

How did adulthood creep up so quietly? Was it hiding when I left for college, turned 21, or travelled halfway around the world? Where was it when I received my diploma? All I know is it appeared when I bought a one-way plane ticket and lingered as I found and was approved for an apartment without my parents as co-signers, set up new bank accounts on my own, signed a contract, and bought a professional wardrobe. Each step brought me closer to the precipice until I stand now with my toes gripping the rough edge. If I think about it too much my stomache whirls and my chest tightens. How much safer it would be to stay in Springfield or Columbia, and remain a big fish in a small pond...except the deep expanse sparkles alluringly and I am determined to succeed- as an independent adult.

So tomorrow when it is time to board the plane I will give myself a pep talk, open my eyes and leap.
Listen to your heart, follow your passion, and JUMP, JUMP.